Creative pursuits

It might be helpful to define what creativity actually is within the context of a relationship. “Creativity keeps us curious, engaged and interested in each other,” explains relationship coach Megan Luscombe. “In the early stages of dating, we naturally lean into novelty – planning special dates, surprising each other, trying new things together. But once a relationship feels stable and secure, those intentional efforts can start to slip.” We’ve all been there: suddenly date nights, surprises and just-because gifts can feel like a distant memory. As it happens, this doesn’t reflect a dwindling love for our partner – it’s simply how relationships react when creativity is removed from the equation.

"Understanding how life works on a deeper level can really help us in our relationships,” says Matt Ringrose, a meditation teacher who offers spiritual mentorship at Bondi Meditation Centre. “There are three underlying laws of nature which determine the life cycle of everything – including our relationships. Everything that exists is subject to the forces of ‘creation’, ‘maintenance’ and ‘dissolution’ and we can work with these forces to improve our relationships and give them the best chance of thriving.”

As psychologist Megan Luscombe has already pointed out – the ‘creation’ phase that Ringrose describes comes relatively effortlessly in the beginning. But what happens when the routine sets in? “This is how we know we’ve moved into ‘maintenance’ mode,” says Ringrose. “Keeping things the same mode – the relationship becomes less about exploring the unknown and more about keeping hold of this valuable thing we’ve found.”

Many of us view this stage as a blissful feature of being in a long-term relationship. After all, isn’t it a kind of earned ease? But Ringrose advises against allowing inertia to take hold if we want our marriage to last the distance. “Nature is all about flow and movement and evolution, so if our relationship devolves into watching true crime on Netflix every night with a bar of chocolate with our partner, sooner or later, it will shake things up – by bringing in the third of our three forces: ‘dissolution’.” Don’t worry – this doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It’s simply a nudge from life to get creative again. “This is Nature inviting us to reintroduce creation into the relationship, to mix things up a bit. To explore the unknown again and do something different.”

"In the early stages of dating, we naturally lean into novelty … but once a relationship feels stable and secure, those intentional efforts can start to slip."

Start small

The upside? Steering our relationship back into ‘creation’ mode only takes small, occasional acts of creativity. Luscombe advises her clients to take turns being the ‘creative lead’, where “one partner plans a date or experience without revealing the details, so the other gets to be surprised and fully immersed.” Then swap roles next time. This not only keeps things fresh and exciting, says Luscombe, but it builds anticipation and ensures each person gets the chance to both give and receive in a new way.

Another strategy is to focus on being really present with your partner. “Even more than what we do with each other, the most creative thing we can do in a relationship is to be fully present with each other while we’re doing it,” says Ringrose. “We don’t want to just play pickleball or go salsa dancing without connecting with each other.” This is where it might be helpful to put down the screens and ensure technology isn’t replacing communication within the relationship. “It’s about making time to have a proper chat,” says Ringrose, adding, “this can make a big difference and keep things fresh.”

Fight right

The first three minutes of a fight predicts how a fight will go as well as how a relationship will go,” the prominent relationship psychologist John Gottman once said. It’s a scary thought. But if it’s true (like Gottman’s studies have suggested) then how do you want it to go?

"This is a big one,” says Luscombe. “I often encourage couples to work on expressing their feelings clearly and concisely – can you sum up what you’re feeling in one or two sentences? If not, take a breather and come back when you can.” We can get creative with conflict in the same way as any other aspect of a relationship: by doing something different to what we’d usually do. When the inevitable conflict arises, Luscombe suggests getting creative by switching up your environment – go for a walk, meet for a coffee, or head out to dinner and pick up the conversation there. “Conflict should be a tool for connection, not ammunition,” she adds.

Sexual healing

Creativity plays an important role in the bedroom too. “We need to see sex or pleasure as a creative act,” says Georgia Grace, a somatic sexologist and the author of The Modern Guide To Sex. “There are endless strategies to do this.” Grace advises against scheduling sex (“that can be really stressful for a lot of people and it can mean they tap out”) but suggests other ideas like regular check-ins to develop positive sexual communication, or perhaps trying a new position, tool or toy at least once a month. “It’s about finding new and creative ways to be sexually intimate with each other, drawing on what you liked at the start of the relationship or drawing on what you’re longing for currently.” After all, sex is one of the most playful things we can do as adults – why not set an intention to keep it interesting? “We are always in a process of change – we are not fixed beings – so it is really important to bring this idea to sex as well,” says Grace.

By appointment

In every healthy relationship, there comes a time when the most creative choice might be reaching out for professional support. This could look like making an appointment with a relationship coach like Luscombe, consulting a sexologist like Grace or learning a shared mindfulness technique with an expert like Ringrose. “Every single person, even the most qualified people, will have a period of time where their body is changing, or their relationship is changing or their desires are changing,” says Grace. At its core, creation begins with presence – the willingness to see what’s needed. Like Ringrose adds, “Our partner is always telling us through their behaviour and responses what they need and what is being asked of us in terms of growth in the relationship, but it’s only when we become present that we sense this fully.”